I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
