im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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