I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
