Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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