He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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