mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
