I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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