I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
