4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
