Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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