I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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