I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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