I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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