so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
