So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
