Will you blow on my dice?
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
