Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
