Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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