I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
