Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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