Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
