I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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