do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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