he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
