If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
