So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I want to fling myself into the sun
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
