Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Randomize
