She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
