I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
