you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
