What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
