I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
