4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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