u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Everything about him screamed your future.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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