I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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