I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
