I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
