Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
