You just made me feel so damn special
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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