i'm signing you up for texting rehab
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
