He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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