I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
