Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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