i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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