I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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