Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Randomize
