Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
