Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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