if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize