the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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