the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
