I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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