We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
