I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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