you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
