Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
