dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My dick has a subreddit
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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