My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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