oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
only you would photoshop your dick
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
